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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 7, 2014 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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>> see you next week. good night. [ applause ] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: nation, thank you so much. folks welcome to the report. thank you for joining us tonight. you know, folks, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- and if there's one thing that i love saying, it's "i told you so." oh, god, that felt good. ( laughter ) see, i told you so. oh! there it is again! what a rush. and, folks, today the you i'm so tell is barack obama. you see, for years the president has been dragging his feet on billion th the keystone x-l pipeline which would drastically increase our nation's supply of oil as well as our nation's supply of pipe. now, for a while obama insisted he couldn't complete the project because the nation's best pipefit erdz were busy saving princess apache-- peach. them he claimed he couldn't approve anything until he got
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the environmental intablght report. last week hid strategic excuse ran out. >> the pipeline only have a minimum impact on carbon emissions. >> stephen: minimum impact. bottom line, the pipeline upon provide us with much of-needed fossil fuels. speaking of fossils, bill o'reilly. ( cheers and applause ). now, folks, i don't know if you were watching, but on super bowl sunday, bill sat down with the president and did what the broncos couldn't-- he scored points. ( laughter ) jim. >> all right, keystone x-l pipeline, new study comes in, environmental impact negligible. 42,000 jobs. you're going to okay it, i assume. >> first of all, it's not 42,000. that's not correct. it's a couple of thousand to build the pipeline. >> 42 all told. >> the bottom line is who we're
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going to do, the process now goes-- agencies comment on what the state department did, the public is allowed to comment, kerry's going to give me a recommendation -- >> so i assume we're going to do that after five years. >> we'll take a look at it. >> okay, i'll take that as a yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you heard president o'reilly. he said yes to the keystone x-l pipeline, that's why i love bill. he's not only asking the hard-hitting questions. he's providing the hard-hitting answers. ( laughter ) and papa bear is right, folks it's president's own study says the environmental impact is negligible, because most of alberta's oil will find a way to get to market anyway, if not by pipeline, by rail. it is inevitable. if something is inevitable, then america should be the one to do it. ( applause ) case in point-- these people get it-- case in point, isn't it inevitable that the ice caps will melt so i say we drown the
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polar bears in the san diego zoo. we charge people a couple of bugs a ahead to watch and give the money to the world wildlife fund and they can use it to save the polar bears. otherwise, those guys are doomed. now, nation, the open, ceremonies for the 2014 winter olympics are just one day away, which, of course, is the silver medal event starting today. in the run-up to these games, vladimir putin has gotten a lot of criticism for antigay laws, for bull dozing poor neighborhoods to build olympic facilities and now harshest of all for his yogurt bloccade. >> there is an attempt at yogurt diplomacy. rush is holding up 5,000 single-serve containers of chobani yogurt. chuck schumer said it's stranded at new a's airport. >> stephen: our athletes' yogurt is being embargoed but it's only because the russians
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want to protect traditional family values. let's face it-- it's no secret that yogurt is the gayest dairy product. ( laughter ) first of all, first of all, it's greek style. ( laughter ) it's-- it longs to be in the mouth of john stamos. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- and-- ( cheers ) hear me out. hear me out. need i mention, fruit on the bottom. ( applause ) ( laughter ) of course, everybody knows, everybody knows that i have owned the winter olympics ever since i saved vancouver in 2010 by bailing out the u.s. speedskating team with my your money. folks, i cannot wait to get to sochi. although, i might have to. >> new concerns that sochi is not ready to host the games. >> hotels and other buildings aren't finished. >> journalists are appalled by the condition of their hotel rooms, many of them in shambles. >> the rooms-- spartan is a nice way to call them.
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>> a tweet-- my hotel has no water. if restored, the front desk says do not tiewz on your face because it contains something very dangerous. >> stephen: let me get this straight. she's complaining that her hotel shut off the face-poison valve? i'm sorry, that's just seeing the glass of toxic yellow fluid as half empty. and these reporters' ivy tower attitude extend to the porcelain throne. >> notice the sign here asking users not to flush toilet paper, instead they're supposed to throw it in the tash can. >> stephen: okay, that's a little rough, that's a little rough. but on the bright side, the secret police probably won't go through your trash now. ( laughter ) jimmy, what's the next event in the cry-athalon. >> evens the city sidewalks begin to fill with athletes and tourists, some of those sidewalks have yet to be paved. >> not all the manholes are covered. >> stephen: okay, that one surprises me. i mean, given the antigay laws,
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you would expect piewt town cover the manholes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry. i'll tell you, folks, that does not excuse all this nit-picking by the complain-stream media. >> a german reporter said when he checked into his hotel room, there was a stray dog living inside. >> stephen: look, do you want your toilet fixed or not? it's a busy week, and the hotel only has one repair dog. the point is, all these problems can be solved. sochi still has almost nine hours before the olympics begin. besides, i've seen way worse, folks. up to the talk bathroom nightmare. had i was in vancouver, the hotel give me mini bottles of shampoo and conditioner, but no lotion. i had to use conditioner on my skin. and let me tell you, four years later, you'd be alarmed by the parts of my body that are still tangle-free. so if i can tough it out, so soi
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reporters, you can tough it it out. what's this? i've just been handing a breaking news bulletin from myself that says i will not be attending the sochi olympics. damn it! >> that's too bad, folks. i hear they'd almost finished the runway. the runway. molive garden's best 2 for $25 yet is ending soon! choose two melt-in-your mouth entrees, like new parmesan crusted chicken, 3 courses, 2 people, just $25 at olive garden! also enjoy weekday signature favorites, four classic pastas, now just $10!
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hi boys! i've made you campbell's chunky new england clam chowder. wow! this is incredible! i know. and now it has more clams! [ male announcer ] campbell's chunky soup. what? [ male announcer ] it fills you up right.
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[ male announcer ] campbell's chunky soup. what? oh no, the knicks are going to lose tonight! you're going to be fired from your job. you got a job? yeah. look! i see a clock. 8 seconds on the clock. oh no! knicks down by 1. i can't look. i see blue shoes. it's melo. he's been cornered. does he make the shot? of course he made it. he's melo. yes! melo! that's what i'm talking about! yes! yes melo! hahahaha! pay her! pay her! i'm in a black nissan rogue. hi, mr. jeffries. ♪ [ engine revving ] [ tires screech ] whoa, whoa! [ tires squealing ] oh, no! ♪ aah! ♪ no! no! ♪ get out of the car! whoa!
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words of the gospel, and the bible clearly says let me who is without sin cast the first stone. this is a tip of the hat, wag of the finger. folks, longtime viewers know i've always been a staunch supporter of the t.s.a.. america's front line in creating lines. i recently learned something that has given me more than three ounces of rage. >> a former t.s.a. security screener claims his fellow agents amused themselves by mock the images of passengers produced by the airport's body scanner. >> jokes ran rampant. many images we gawkd at were over-weight people,. >> officers gawking at images of overweight people and genitals. >> stephen: quauking at overweight people's genitals. i thought the whole point of being overweight was to conceal your genitals. that's why i'm giving a wag of
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my fing tore t.s.a. peeping toms. now everybody will be self-conscience about traveling. you'll have to get in shape for every trip like it's your wedding day. but you gotta do it. it's your special day. and the t.s.a. is also taking our best coping mechanism-- booze. the author of the expoas a tweeted,"one ling i left out of that politico piece, hell, yes, employees often drink the alcohol collected at the checkpoint. this is a flagrant abuse of power. they're back there living it up on all our confiscated goods. sucking down our whiskey, laghtering up with our shampoo, rinsing with our dasani bottles, all the we clipping their toenails until the cows come home. it sickens me to know someone is
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chugging my mayo and firing my taser. ( cheers and applause ). next up. i love art. but i'm way too famous to go to a museum. so i was excited to learn that today's best art is delivered hot in 30 minutes or less. >> a lot of people just think i'm a punk kid making pizzas. bit butt that's not true. >> the truth is, there is more to domino pizza makers than you think. >> many of us have a real passion for crafting things by hand, like our handmade fresh pizza. >> stephen: yes, domino's is like paris in the 20s. if paris were sandwiched in between a upus store and a dress barn. that's why i'm giving a tip of the hat to the pizza artist from domino's school, because the most important thing to me when i order a box of wings is the life story of the guy who dumps them in there. ( laughter ) you know, folks, i-- i finally get domino's. it's not pizza. it's art.
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now, at first blush, it appears ephemeral, a protean mass of meat and cheeses. after a night on the counter it's as impenetrable as rogan's hell. but it's pretty good when you're drunk. there is no stronger defender of free speech than me, truly. and if you disagree i'll cut your vocal chords. that's why i was sow pumped by a recent federal government ruling. >> a federal government has ruled you can flash your headlights to warn drivers of a speed trap ahead. >> flashing your lights is freedom of speech. this is a great victory for freedom of speech. >> stephen: yes, flashing your lights at a speed trap is your right. it goes back to paul revere's famous cry, one if by land, two if by sea, three if i can't
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drive. ( cheers and applause ) that's why i give a tip of the fat to federal judges, and, folks, i cannot wait to relay this good news to the millions of my viewers who are watching right now while also driving a truck, okay. first, i gotta get out-- gotta get out my trucker hat, okay. all right. gotta get out my old cw radio. and it's going to be a long trip, so i have got my sports drink. and my toilet. okay. all right. here we go. breaking 1-9, breaker 1-9, you got your ears on. this is big daddy truckinous t ins with the 10-17.
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the man in black is laid down. there's a flag fly on the 20s for dudley do-right. skip the double nickels on the green stamps and drop the hammer down because if there's a bear in the woods taking pictures a good neighbor will hit you with a strobe light on the flip side to give you the heads up on the bear bites. pedal to the medal, big buddy. you know what? you know what? all that authentic trucker lingo made me thirsty. mmm-mmm. oh, my god! oh, my god! oh! mmm-mmm. nope. ( laughter )
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[ female announcer ] every minute. every medal. every screen. the nbc sports live extra app gives you unprecedented access to every moment of nbc universal's coverage of the sochi olympics, now on your tv. the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a prize-winning economist, who believes that obamacare is working. wow. i hope he's got mental health coverage. ( laughter ) please welcome paul krugman. ( cheers and applause ). good to see you. good to see you again. thanks for coming back. this is actually your sixth trip to the show. >> indeed, it is. >> stephen: did you bring your frequent guest card. >> i did. >> stephen: do you have that? >> free latte. there you go. >> thank you very much.
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>> stephen: and you get a-- you get a free sub. >> there we go! >> stephen: all right. now, paul, you know why i have you here tonight. >> right. >> stephen: okay? because i get to gloat over the fact that obamacare is a proven job killer. the c.b.o. came out with a report that says 2.5 million people fewer will have jobs by 2021 because of obamacare. would you like to apologize to america helping to promote this job killer. >> this is quite an amazing piece of-- i see a lot of media malpractice. a lot of them got it wrong. the c.b.o. did not say that. >> stephen: yes, they did? have you read the report? >> yes. >> stephen: i have not. that way i get to claim anything i want paul krugman. >> what the c.b.o. said, we know a number of people will choose, once they have the guarantee of health insurance, there are a lot of people in america who are working extra hours, staying in
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full-time jobs, because they need the health insurance. there's parents of young children, there's older people, you know, who are 63, and not in good health but they're hanging on with those full-time jobs until they can get medicare. with the law in effect, a fair number-- some people-- will work shorter hours. some people will retire earlier. so the total number of hours will be reduced, voluntarily. people will choose to work less. no jobs lost. and actually the c.b.o. says in big-- they say right there. this is going to be voluntary choice. people will choose to work less. they made the mistake of saying this will be the equivalent of two million full-time jobs being removed. ( laughter ) but the next day, the director of the c.b.o. went on to say we are not talking about job losses. and in fact, i am-- this is a good thing. >> stephen: he had to say that, his job was on the chopping block. >> right. >> stephen: you think the obama people didn't get to him. the fact of the matter is you
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say it's because people will be more mobile and be able to leave their jobs and not be tied down to health insurance so they can work less if they want to. that's obama's vision for america. everybody work less. >> right. >> stephen: hey! phone it in! everybody gets a snow day. ( cheers ) ( applause ) that's how rome fell. >> we're going to pay for everybody by taxing mom. >> stephen: you will? how is obamacare not redistribution of wealth, okay? why should my hard-earned money go pay for sliewzy shut's creptdive pills? i don't need them. but "sandy spread your legs" wants her contraceptive pills or lucy lung machine. i'm healthy or i'm a young person-- which i am-- why should i be paying for somebody else's health care. that's not the way insurance works. >> that's the way insurance works. if you buy fire insurance, most people don't have fires, and people who don't have fires are
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subsidizing people who have fires. >> stephen: i don't have house insurance. if my house catches fire i'll get insurance. >> i think the slogan for obamacare should be stuff happens and it could happen to you. every one of us is at risk of becoming sick, having something where we really need to insurance to pay for it. insurance markets don't work well. if we want to have a system where americans have a basic guarantee they can have the health care they need, is that they can afford it when they need it, then you have to have something like obamacare and every other advanced country in the world has universal health care, health care when you need it that you can afford. that's what obamacare tbifs you. >> stephen: when you need it that you can afford because you're taking my money. >> we're pooling. >> stephen: that's redistribution of wealth. pooling money is redistribution of wealth. you'll admit it. say it. say it. it's redistribution of wealth. >> actually, i'm okay with a little -- >> stephen: you almost said
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it. you almost gave away the whole game. you almost gave away-- >> life insurance is redistribution of wealth for. >> isn't one of the problems here is so far only old people are signing up for this, and it's got to be young people signing up for it? >> actually, what you want to look at is you look at what the insurance companies are saying. they're saying it's an older mix of people, but it's within expectations. it's actually a little better than they expected. you want to keep reading the fine print here. >> not if it's going to make me lose the argument. >> there we go. >> stephen: what can obama do to get more young people interested in obamacare other than sending out teen icon paul krugman to talk to them? >> i think that's a good thing. the penalty for not signing up is not much this year. it gets bigger next year. >> stephen: it's 90 bucks or something. >> also you're going to start to hear-- young people are going to start to hear from friends that, "my god, i had this desperate, and i ended up in the emergency room, and that would have cost me $20,000, but thank god i have
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insurance." >> stephen: again, redistributing my wealth. >> there's a little bit of redistributing from people who have been lucky to people who are unlucky. >> stephen: lucky! lucky? you think i didn't earn this job? i mean, i did the work of being tollbooth operator on the jersey turnpike and having jon stewart drive through one day and say, "do you want a television show?" i put the work in. >> there we go. >> stephen: paul, thank you so much for joining me. paul krugman, "new york times." 2.5 million people. we'll be rig hello, america. the folks at wonderful pistachios have asked me to help sell their product. but, come on. they're wonderful. i'm wonderful. they'll sell themselves. i think we're done. yeah. you were good. ♪ ♪ [ speaking russian ] ♪
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♪ i have no idea what you're saying, but count me in! peanut m&m's for everyone! [ laughter ] wait...what? in the last thirty seconds due to a lack of "branding." well, let's take care of that. pistachio! pistachio! wait for it... ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. that's it for the report, folks. before we go, i am proud-- i am proud to introduce the newest member of the colbert nation, eli felix katsir. >> oh! >> stephen: son of my intern jay the intern, and his wife adina, my intern-in-law. ( laughter ) jay has always been there for me, except the last 24 hours, when he didn't show up for some reason. ( laughter ) probably the flu. well, welcome to the world, eli. and congratulations on earning the same salary as your father. ( laughter ) ( applause ) speak of which, jay, since this is your second baby i am promoting you to junior executive intern. it does not come with a salary bump but your business cards will be more impressive, or they would be if i gave you business cards. and remember, as soon as eli is old enough to carry a la at a, i captioning sponsored by
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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart! [applause] jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest tonight, toronto star reporter robyn doolittle, has written a book about -- a gentleman named rob ford, apparently he's

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